I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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