i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
