did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have already put on my inside pants.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
