i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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