I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize