We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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