Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
