Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
