I'm drive I can fine osifer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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