There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
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