ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
