Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
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