Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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