there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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