We won't sleep together?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
