Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
