she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
