And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
