you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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