Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
they're like a gay fantastic four
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
