it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
