I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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