He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
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hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Drunk is a universal language darling
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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