I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
