she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The air taste purple.
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