Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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