Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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