i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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