if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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