Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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