Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
