i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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