Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize