Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
