I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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