just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
