Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
