please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
