A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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