What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
