I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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