hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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