chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We're too hungover to prance.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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