everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
