did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
