I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
