Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
