This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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