woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
