its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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