Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
