My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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