He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
This girl is more easily done than said...
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
