My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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