before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
