If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
