Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
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I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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