dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
