I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
