i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize